The Old Captains Blogs! 24th November 2013 "Last one then?" Nine riders assembled today for a run out to Shelton and back: Me, Stu, Steve, Crash, Mikey, Reeves, Charlotte, Jack and JLP. Stu uttered the titular phrase in reference to my captaincy just as Big Al phoned in to say he would meet us in Rauceby. It started to rain just as we set off with me and Jack at the front. Reeves called it a day at just after Silk Willoughby. We soon made it to the Grantham Road only to spy Big Al wrestling with a puncture at the side of the road. We decided to wait just round the corner as the rain came down even heavier but it seemed to be taking longer than normal. Apparently Big Al was on to his second tube as the valve had pulled out of the first! Crasher furnished him with a spare from his capacious pockets and we were soon underway again. It seemed to be brightening up and we soon made it to Brandon courtesy of a big turn from Steve. Jack headed for home here and the rest of us ploughed on. Charlotte and Crash turned for home just before the fishing lakes and the remaining five ordered some nosh in a remarkably quiet cafe. We wrapped up again ready for the return journey and set off at a good pace. Mikey turned for home at the foot of the Gelston drag and Steve made it to the top first followed closely by JLP and Stu and not so closely by me. We re-grouped for the descent to the Scroop and a bit of a blast up the Sudbrook hump. The skipper got dropped again here but the chaps waited to say goodbye in Rauceby...thanks chaps! 16.7mph average this week, not bad with a nagging side wind all day. Now this is my last report until the fickle finger of fate decides I can have another go as Skipper. All that remains is to pass the mantle to my successor with a few kind words of advice as to handling this rag tag bunch of two wheeled miscreants every Sunday: 1. Sparrow will always be competitive. Finally, In words of Vinnie Jones in one of those Guy Ritchie crime capers; "You can call me Susan if it makes you happy!" No, hang on that it isn't it....Ermmmm...Oh Yes! "It's been emotional.......". This is the Captain signing off for the last time.
17th November 2013 "It's those Gatorskins!" Eight riders today for an eventful run out to Horncastle: Me, Stu, Steve C, John H, Charlotte, Reeves, Crasher and Dennis. Dennis remarked before we set off that my front tyre looked a bit worn. How prophetic his words were! (More on this later...). Me and Dennis took the group up through Leasingham with John and Stu taking over soon after. We hadn't finished our turn but Dennis waved a car through and the pair behind took it as the end of our stint. Never mind, we had another go later. There wasn't much wind today so we made excellent progress with the majority sharing the work to keep the pace up. Stu touched Crasher's wheel at one point but managed to stay upright. It was definitely a hairy moment though! I noticed that it was a bit greasy underfoot and had a number of skiddy moments through some of the corners. We made it to the cafe in one piece, however, and tucked in to our favourite fuels. Only two courses for Crash today? We set off back in good spirits and headed back up the hill for a whiz towards Woodhall with me and Steve on the front. It was all going rather well until that left turn just before the bridge over the Witham. It was here that I finally succumbed to all my skidding about, lost the front wheel and slid professionally across the tarmac. No harm done though, just a few cuts and bruises in the usual places. Reeves uttered the titular phrase as some kind of consolation. I reckon the tyres would have been better if they had been left on the 'gator or made in to a handbag. I won't be using them again, I can assure you. I re-mounted and we set off back down Timberland Drove. This has to be the most mind numbing cycling territory in the galaxy. It's like riding through a weird nether world where time stands still. John gave us brief respite by needing to pump his rear tyre up a bit and we carried on until he pulled a scary right towards Ruskington and home. That certainly put the wind up Crasher a bit....with a little tinge of irony I'm sure! Dennis had his usual seat post/saddle issues a bit further on so Charlotte and Reeves pushed on alone for home. The rest of us rolled back into Sleaford keeping the average up around 17.2mph. Tune in next week for my last outing as Club Captain...the newbie will be voted in at the AGM. Someone who doesn't fall off would be good I reckon. This is a sore Captain signing off.
10th November 2013 "They were still in the washing machine!" Nine riders today for a run out to Wymondham: Me, JLP, Steve, John Hughes, Mikey, Reeves, Charlotte, Crasher and Dennis. Me and Steve took the group out following the usual route but we changed it slightly by heading up towards Newton to approach Ingoldsby from the other side. Steve was giving it the usual juice on the front and a variety of partners had a go and then threw in the towel. John lasted the longest but regretted it later on. Anyway, we made good progress in the cold yet sunny weather. Charlotte was feeling the cold a bit but admitted via the titular phrase that her kit was still damp. Sounds like a recipe for hypothermia to me. More on this later. Mikey turned off in Ingoldsby and made his own way back. The terrain created a few splits but observing a two minute silence at 11 allowed us to re-group for a while. Dennis resolved to make for the cafe at his own pace so the rest of us pushed on. We eventually spied the windmill in the distance and arrived in good spirits for the usual nosh. Dennis wasn't far behind. Smedley was already there having ridden over from Loughborough and the usual banter commenced. Charlotte was slowly freezing to death but a coffee and a flapjack started to revive her. Her hands did look a bit yellow though. Crasher dis-robed to reveal a threadbare vest type thing and put the rest of his kit on the radiator. The problem with this was that by the time we were ready to go, his gloves had melted into a napalm-like black goo which gave him a nasty sticky burn when he put his hand in his pocket. I don't know...you couldn't make this sort of thing up if you tried..but at least I am never short of stuff to write about. He sorted himself out eventually though and we set off back (minus Smedley who headed off in the opposite direction) and stayed together until the lights in Grantham. We re-grouped at the High Dyke minus Charlotte who had turned for home and Reeves pushed on alone. All that remained was a roll down through Welby and home. 16.3mph average today mainly down to Steve who spent most of the day on the front. Splendid! Same old nonsense next week, same time same place. Not much chance left for those of you haven't delivered a titular phrase yet...my tenure is almost over. Charlotte managed to get on the score sheet today. Try to be as hilarious or as bizarre as you can next week. Some of you can do this without thinking about it too much....not naming names but you know who I mean! This is the Captain signing off.
3rd November 2013 "He's got a longer stem!" Eight riders today: Me, Sparrow, Stu, Mark, Scotty, JLP, Steve C and John Hughes. As it was blowing a gale from the west, the Captain decreed a run out to Shelton so as to feel the benefit on the way back. Me and Steve took the group out to the Swarby turn with everyone sharing the work right up to the top thereafter. The welcome descent down through Londonthorpe and Belton helped up the average speed a bit and we were soon sailing past our sponsor's HQ on the Grantham road (I saluted as normal). Mark had to shoot off at this point. Unfortunately on the way to Marston, John H managed to puncture so we all waited until this was fixed. Back on the road again we eventually made it to Westborough in good time courtesy of some surreptitious half-wheeling from Sparrow (I was the unfortunate recipient of this but I was consoled by JLP delivering the titular phrase from second wheel). I can't really use this excuse with Sparrow though for obvious reasons. Anyway, we all rotated again and with a bit of a blast from Steve and John H, we made it to the cafe nice and early. Sparrow was a bit disappointed to not be first in the queue and gazed longingly at JLP's beans on toast as they arrived first. We all got served eventually though and set off back with the wind at our backs. There were some ominous black clouds on the horizon but we stayed dry thankfully. Me and Sparrow had a bit of a go on the front all the way down to the Brandon turn (that's one way to control the pace...Ha!) and it kicked off as usual up towards Hough. Stu took the honours, with Steve and Sparrow not far behind. Me, John and James "box full of neutrals" Priestley brought up the rear with Scotty not too far behind. The same happened at the Sudbrook hump but JLP was up with the lead group this time? Must have found some useful gears after all. Scotty rolled back home through Ancaster and all that remained was a bit of a dig on Waterwell Lane for a job well done. 16.8 mph average this week by my reckoning, not bad considering the block headwind on the way out. See you next week for more determined team work in the face of irritating meteorological phenomena. This is the Captain Signing off.
27th October 2013 "Bollards!" Twelve riders today: Me, Sparrow, Stu, Steve C, Charlotte, Reeves, Mark, Scotty, Big Al, Mikey, JLP and Ian P. A trifle breezy but fine and relatively warm. We set off with me and Stu on the front with a sort of tail wind up through Leasingham towards the Ashby turn. This is always the best place to finish your turn on the front when going this way (See earlier reports and references to Sparrow's secret book of club run etiquette). Mark didn't appreciate this but took over anyway and did a good turn up to the A15. At this point, it appeared that Ian had dropped off the back and was now some way behind. On the basis that we weren't too far from Sleaford, we decided to carry on. Navenby soon came into view and the welcome descent towards Bassingham. Stapleford Wood next followed by Balderton. At the junction, I called out a right then a left at some bollards. Scotty delivered the titular phrase and not being able to resist a comedy basic, I replied "No, it really is a right then a left!" An old one but a good one (a bit like Scotty himself). Now whilst on the subject of Scotty, he was going to be "titular phrase meister" last week as well, but I decided against it on the grounds that it was philosophically too complex to use. Last week coming out of the Wymondham Windmill, he asked me "What does titular mean?". Now we could have made this a titular phrase but...well you know what I mean. This sort of thing hurts your brain after a while like "Do not throw stones at this sign!" This is only a hop and a skip away from interior fridge lights and trees falling in the forest and moves inexorably towards Schrödinger's cat. At that point, we really would have to give up. Anyway, back to the club run. Farndon cafe was nice and quiet and we all got served briskly, ate up and headed for home. The sort of tail wind had returned and this helped us to make better progress than before until Sparrow punctured in Hougham. Charlotte, Reeves and Mark decided to push on here. Sparrow sorted his puncture and we steeled ourselves for the Gelston Drag. Steve, Sparrow and Stu battled it out at the front with Stu taking the honours. JLP next followed by me and Big Al. Scotty and Mikey brought up the rear. We parted company with Al and Mikey in Hough on the Hill and headed for The Sudbrook hump. Stu and Steve had another go at each other here but we re-grouped on Waterwell for a final comedy flourish centred around Stu dropping his bottle and JLP picking it up..(By 'Eck it's thirsty work this isn't it Stu? etc. etc.). 17.1 mph average this week. Rider of the day was Steve C who did loads of monster turns on the front, got stung by wasp in the cafe, and managed to go the right way in Hough on the Hill for the first time ever! More tomfoolery and philosophical debate next week. This is the Captain signing off
20th October 2013 "Put it in the big ring and get going!" Ten riders today for a run out to Wymondham: Me, Sparrow, Stu, JLP, Mikey, Dennis, Charlotte, Scotty, Reeves and Ian P. Myself, Charlotte and Mikey got soaked on the way in but it brightened up by the time we set off into a stiff southerly breeze. Me and Reeves took the group down towards the end of Mareham Lane and Sparrow and Stu took over shortly afterwards. A little later, Mikey had some mudguard trouble so the group waited in Aslackby while he tinkered. Me, Sparrow and Stu went back to check he was OK. Dennis, Ian and Scotty had decided to push on as a separate group but by the time the three of us and Mikey returned, Charlotte, Reeves and JLP had also shot off. We eventually caught them up though and Sparrow celebrated by grabbing JLP's pannier frame repeatedly much to the amusement of all. The pannier rack is a perfect Sparrow-height handle that can be used to hilarious effect especially when JLP is going up hill. Everyone admitted to having tired legs this morning and this created a few splits here and there. The wind didn't help either but we eventually managed to spy the three escapees in the distance and reeled them in. Strangely enough the sun tried to come out a few times and we rolled up at the cafe in good spirits. Reeves had mysteriously disappeared and Charlotte appeared to be covered in mud from head to toe which is odd as she had been on the front for most of the ride? The white jersey probably doesn't help. Suitably refreshed, we re-mounted our steeds, Sparrow delivered the titular phrase (not sure who this was levelled at) and we set off with the wind at our backs. With a few shoves for Ian we soon reached Gorse Lane for the welcome descent. Sparrow turned off to watch the end of the Cross and after a brief adjustment to Dennis' saddle which was now at a jaunty angle, we eventually crawled up Londonthorpe for a job well done. Only 16.5 mph average today but not bad considering we were riding winter bikes (except Charlotte...don't think she has one) and 40m of the ride was into the wind. Rider of the day was undoubtedly Ian who nearly made it all the way round in the group...well done matey! Tune in next week for more mud-splattered hilarity. This is the Captain signing off
6th October 2013 "The wonder of Fairy Liquid!" Nine riders for a whiz out to Harby today: Me, Sparrow, Stu, Mark, Mikey, Dennis, Reeves, Steve C and new boy John Hughes. Some riders were dressed for winter, others for a late summer...must admit I thought it was colder than it was and got a bit hot later on in leg warmers. Anyway we set off up towards the High Dyke with me and Stu on the front. This was the order of the day until Sparrow and Reeves latched on to a passing tractor and followed this at a faster pace up to the junction. The rest of us decided to hang back as getting impaled on one of the rusty spikes protruding from the agricultural machinery hanging off the back would certainly ruin your weekend somewhat. The welcome descent of Londonthorpe allowed us to change round a bit and at the junction at the bottom, a few us escaped to make a good start on the Spittelgate climb. Reeves appeared shortly after to announce that Sparrow was having a bit of gear trouble...it would change down but not up apparently (not a problem for him surely?). Sparrow caught up though and sailed past having fixed it for the time being. There then followed a powerful turn on the front from Sparrow and new boy John and we then proceeded to confuse Viking Challenge marshals by going the wrong way towards Croxton Kerrial. The Knipton climb served to split us up as usual but we soon re-grouped for the customary 40 mph+ hurtle down Stathern Hill. Mikey, in a determined mood had doubled back for his Rice Krispie square which had fallen out of his pocket...(bizarre!)..but he soon caught up. Reeves, on a diet, decided to have a go up Harby hill on his own as the rest of us turned right. The cafe was mercifully quiet and we were able to sit outside and re-fuel. Sparrow's gear trouble had returned so he cadged some Fairy Liquid from the kitchen and applied it to his right shifter. On leaving, he also added a bit of WD from a nice man in the car park. Reeves had returned by now so we set off back towards Long Bennington via Staunton. At Hougham, I fancied a slightly different route, but following howls of derision from Reeves, we went up Gelston as usual with me, John and Den bringing up the rear. We all got back together in Hough and rolled back down to the Scroop minus Mark and Mikey who turned for home as usual. Steve seemed determined to follow them (again) but joined us anyway. Sparrow remarked that his shifter had never been better and uttered the titular phrase. All that remained was the Sudbrook hump for a job well done. Rider of the day was undoubtedly Mark.....the old magic is coming back...and tail gunner of the day was definitely the Skipper who had a particularly off day, all day! 60 odd miles at just shy of an 18mph average...nice one team! See you next week for more cycling nonsense. This is the Captain signing off.
15th September 2013 "Are you sure they aren't leg warmers?" Nine riders for the main run today: Me, Smedley, George, Hamblin, Mikey, Crasher, Jim, Steve C and Dennis. There were a couple of riders for an intermediate run (Ian and Maxim) so Dennis volunteered to lead them on a similar route. Maxim opted to ride with us so Dennis and Ian set off first leaving us to deal with the first puncture of the day (Steve). Once fixed however, we set off into a rather autumnal Sunday morning in good spirits apart from Mikey who had to call it a day with a bit of knee trouble. Me and Smedley took the group up on to Caythorpe Heath and at this point overtook Dennis and Ian. A quick whiz down towards Caythorpe revealed some dark clouds on the horizon and it soon started to rain heavily. George and Hamblin took to the front in Brandon and raised the pace significantly. I could hear Jim changing gear quite a bit so I requested a pace reduction (apart from Smedley, we were all pretty happy with this concept!) Apparently a bare legged George was feeling a bit chilled so he was riding at 22mph into the wind to "warm himself up a bit". On a similar subject, Jim was regretting wearing his summer gear as it was pretty cold by now. The rain gradually faded away but we were all soaked by the time we arrived at the cafe. I noticed that Crasher was covered in what appeared to be black paint. This turned out to be rust inhibitor that wouldn't wash off. If Charlotte had been there, she would have affectionately said "Oh Andy!" but despite an earlier communication, she didn't show. Given the weather, this was probably a good idea. Crasher should try battery acid, that'll fetch it off. Anyway, we scoffed the usual fuel and set off for the return journey only for Jim to get the second puncture of the day. This was soon fixed however so we hurtled off at 30mph towards Long Bennington courtesy of George and Smedley. This continued until Hougham where the Captain couldn't get his foot back in quick enough at the junction and got left behind briefly. I soon grovelled back in though just in time for the mountain goats to shoot off up the Gelston climb. This left Crasher in the middle with me, Steve and Jim bringing up the rear. We re-grouped though for a roll down to the Scroop. Crasher was having a bit of arm warmer trouble (baggy or what!) so Hamblin uttered the titular phrase. All that remained was the Sudbrook hump for a job well done. 18.2mph average this week in windy conditions. This is the Captain signing off. P.S. No run next week as it's the cyclocross and the majority are racing or helping out. See you there. P.P.S. You may have noticed that Smedley has not delivered a titular phrase yet...that's because most of his comments are un-printable and contain in-appropriate expletives.
8th September 2013 "He speeded up when he heard the heavy breathing behind him" Seven riders for the main run today: Me, JLP, Steve C, Mark, Crasher, Mikey and Dennis. The "Strava Queen" (Charlotte) phoned in to confirm our destination so she could ride over from Kegworth and meet us at the cafe. The SW wind suggested a Wymondham excursion, so that is what we did. Me and Steve took the group up to the Ropsley turn with JLP and Mark doing the second stint. Mark was in good form following a few Velo 99 appearances recently. Good to see the old magic returning although I'm not looking forward to following his wheel in November! The headwind slowed us a little and by the time we got to the infamous Bytham rollers, nobody was very keen to go on the front. Crasher had a dig up a little rise however, followed by JLP who uttered the titular phrase. To be fair, you should probably always speed up if you hear heavy breathing behind you...not necessarily whilst cycling. Not long after, Crasher headed off home apparently tired. I thought he was always tired, but there you go. We sorted ourselves out eventually in terms of front two and managed to arrive in good time at the cafe. Everybody was sitting outside at the Windmill (didn't think it was warm enough to be honest)...so we took a couple of tables inside and soon realised this was the best option and scoffed at the cyclists outside as the grey clouds rolled in...ha! Charlotte was already there having made good time. After the usual sustenance, we set off back in gloomy conditions. Now it usually kicks off on that long downhill bit before the first S bend, but with no Sparrow, Smedley or Reeves to mix it up a bit, me and Mikey went on the front and set a brisk if sensible pace instead. Nobody seemed to mind and we took the group all the way down to the end of Gorse Lane. At the lights in Grantham, Dennis took a sneaky pavement short cut and we didn't see him again until the Londonthorpe climb. Mikey, Mark and Charlotte turned off towards Belton and JLP chased Dennis down catching him just before the top much to Den's chagrin. Never mind Den, you were second over the top! We re-grouped for the whiz down through Welby and home. Just shy of an 18mph average today..not bad at all! P.S. You may have noticed that the Captain is back! In the words of Obi Wan; "You can't win, if you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine". P.P.S. No Sparrow or Stu today...mysterious..no Cross but no Hamblin either...Weirdsville, Arizona.
28th July 2013 "You won't like it!" Nine riders today for a reverse route to Harby: Me, Stu, Charlotte, Smedley, JLP, Reeves, Hamblin, Mark and Jack. I soon regretted taking the Captain's prerogative of leading out the group with Stu as the headwind up to the High Dyke was pretty stiff. Jack and Smedley mercifully took over shortly after and we made good progress out towards Caythorpe. Others shared the load until we eventually reached Long Bennington, travelled swiftly through it and then turned round and travelled swiftly back through it in the other direction. (The Captain categorically stated that we were going the right way but on reaching the A1 junction realised the error of his ways). After this brief sojourn, we were soon back on course towards Staunton and the turn to Plungar appeared shortly thereafter. Mark had turned off in Orston a little earlier. I noticed that this way seemed to be a bit more challenging so Reeves pointed out (in between an explanation of "vascular shunting") that it was because it is downhill when we ride the other way...hmmm...obvious really. Charlotte did a monster turn (Ha!) to take us to the bridge and we arrived in one piece at a quiet cafe. Hamblin was disappointed to find out that Lucy Garner wasn't there this week, but consoled himself with his customary beans on toast. Smedley fancied a return route including Harby hill, so suitably refreshed, we set off in determined mood. As we approached the climb, Reeves uttered the titular phrase and they all shot off and left me and JLP sprottling at the back. Reeves was absolutely spot on....I didn't like Harby hill one bit. Along from Eastwell, however, we all got back together and after the welcome descent of Knipton hill, steeled ourselves for those nasty little climbs up to Croxton Kerrial. I got spat out again here and had to do 30+ mph down Gorse Lane to catch up again despite the group freewheeling to allow us to get back together (Thanks team!). Down through Grantham and then up Londonthorpe at a more civilised pace (apart from Stu who fancied a dig) we all descended through Welby for a welcome roll back into Town. Me and Charlotte took a left and headed off home through Ancaster whilst the rest of the crew carried on to no doubt have a blast up that little rise in Culverthorpe. A bit further this week and despite the headwind and a bit of hanging around for the skipper on occasion, we managed to average 18mph. Spot on! See you all next week for more tenacious two-wheeled team work (you get marks for this sort of thing in English lessons...I believe it's called alliteration). This is the Captain signing off. P.S. Sparrow conspicuous by his absence again this week, but he has apparently got himself a new winter bike..? God help us all in January!
21st July 2013 "You need to get that thing calibrated 'cos that was never a 19mph average!" With Mikey and JLP on the Champs Élysées and George, Henry, Jack and Smedley off racing, we were a bit thin on the ground this morning. Reporting for duty, however, were: Me, Sparrow, Buckle, Big Al, Reeves, Dennis, Stu, Hamblin and Crasher. We decided to go for the Wymondham standard route despite the slight easterly and protests from Hamblin who always moans about riding home into a headwind despite being fitter than the rest of us put together. Anyway, whining aside, me and the afore-mentioned Hamblin took the group up towards Ropsley at a lively pace peeling off just after the A52 crossing. Sparrow and Big Al took over at an even livelier pace (Big Al subsequently claiming that Sparrow was half-wheeling him....surely not!). The rest of the crew shared the work until we reached Irnham where Dennis went his own way. At this point the murky conditions gave way to a fine drizzle...bloody cheek in the middle of July....and this soon developed into a more persistent rain as we reached a very quiet windmill cafe. Stu shot up the hill and then shot off home to put in an appearance at the carnival. In the queue, Buckle, having been out of the game for a while, uttered the titular phrase convinced we had been going much quicker but to his disappointment, others agreed with the analysis. Sparrow managed to get his order in first, as usual, so Big Al decided to claim it when it quickly arrived at the table. Sparrow fixed him with a steely glare, and despite the obvious size difference, pointed out in no uncertain terms the error of his ways! People have clearly died for less. Food consumed and with a few characteristic moans from Hamblin, we set off back in the rain. It cleared up by the time we got to Gorse Lane though and the temporary lights in Grantham allowed us to stay together for once. Reeves headed off home in Harrowby. Londonthorpe allowed Hamblin and Sparrow to duel with Crasher close behind. I managed to reel in Buckle and Big Al before the crest and we all re-grouped for the always welcome Welby descent. Me and Big Al turned off in Oasby leaving the remaining four to roll back into Sleaford. The headwind slowed us down a bit on the way back so the final average was 18.6mph. Good work team! See you all next week for the usual Magical Mystery Tour. This is the Captain signing off.
7th July 2013 "Isn't that Lucy Garner?" Fourteen riders today for a whiz out to Harby and back. Enjoying the hottest day of the year so far were: Me, Reeves, Smedley, JLP, George, Henry, Jim O, Charlotte, Mark, Mikey, Crasher, Big Al, Stu and Hamblin. I was just about to do my customary lead out but Smedley and George took to the front and hurtled up towards Ropsley. JLP lost his bottle (not literally) in the valley of the Gwanji along the way but retrieved it successfully. As discussed, there is a fundamental design flaw when a bottle cage won't hold on to a bottle! Anyway, the two fast boys were still on the front by the time we got to Croxton Kerrial and then zoomed off down towards Knipton. Round about this point I'm told, Mikey and Mark decided to go it alone. The Knipton climb served to split us up a bit but we all got back together eventually for the Stathern descent. This passed without incident this week and we all arrived at the cafe in one piece. Whilst waiting in the sunshine, Lucy Garner turned up resplendent in her Argos Shimano team kit and the titular phrase was communally uttered. I think some of the young lads were a bit excited about this (Can't think why......?). By now, we were ready for the return journey, however, so there was just time to hide something of JLP's before we set off. Don't know how, but his helmet finished up hanging from a bird table? A slightly miffed JLP eventually located it though and we got going. Most of the crew had a go on the front until we reached Gelston which precipitated the usual accelerations. I was a bit disappointed to find out that despite my new wheels, I still have to pedal when going uphill and sprottled about at the back for a bit to prove the point. Nice for the chaps to wait for the skipper just outside Hough though allowing us all to re-group for the descent and the last challenge of the Sudbrook hump. I faired a little better here to allow us to re-group for the pootle back in to Rauceby where me and Big Al parted company with the rest for a gentle roll home. 18.6 mph this week. Well done team despite my attempts to scupper the average speed later on. No club run shenanigans next week as it's the Nev Crane 25. See you there. This is the Captain signing off
30th June 2013 "Crasher, sit down!" We were a bit thin on the ground this morning as the Thompson brothers were off racing and Smedley only rode in to say hello before also heading off to Barkston. There was, however, a quality field of nine other riders ready for action (I use the term "quality" fairly loosely when referring to myself of course). Anyway, Me, Sparrow, Stu, Hamblin, Crasher, Mikey, JLP, Jack and Sarah headed out into a stiff breeze to attempt the infamous Wymondham reverse route. Me and Hamblin lead the group up through Culverthorpe and despite sarcastic comments from JLP such as "It's not far to the cafe now boys!", we peeled off about half way up allowing him and Sparrow to take over at a fairly brisk pace. Jack and Sarah headed off on their own in Londonthorpe and the remaining seven slogged on into the wind as best we could. Crasher was his usual random self so Sparrow delivered the titular phrase to keep him in check and despite the the odd split here and there, we all arrived together at a busy cafe to re-fuel as usual. Nice to see a bit of sunshine for the ride home and, for the first time this year, I reckon, not actually be cold coming out of the cafe. With an agreeable tailwind, Sparrow and Hamblin decided to ride at 28 mph for a few miles..not a popular decision with everybody especially when Sparrow said "it was only a bit of fun!". Me, Mikey and Crasher begged to differ and soon afterwards started to grovel over the Bytham rollers! We all re-grouped, however, and I decided to use the Sky tactic from yesterday and went in the front to slow it down a bit out towards Ropsley. Mikey headed off towards Ancaster and I turned off in Oasby to leave the rest of the crew to burn up the remaining miles back to Sleaford. Well done team, a good effort despite the wind...18 mph average this week...not bad at all! This is the Captain signing off.
23rd June 2013 "Have you stolen my glasses?" Fourteen riders at the market place today for the standard run out to Shelton and back: Sparrow, JLP, Smedley, Reeves, Jack, Henry, Guest Ollie, Mikey, Stu, Hamblin, Scotty, George, Crasher and Charlotte. Now the eagle-eyed amongst you will have spotted that the Captain is not listed here. I managed to pick up a Wigginsesque chest complaint on Friday and decided that exerting myself and potentially getting wet was a bad idea, so I cried off. A quick text to Deputy Sparrow ensured that the run was in more than capable hands. Strangely enough, I have written enough of these now to almost be able to write them without actually being there as there are three things that happen every week. Number 1: Smedley and Reeves will get told off for riding too fast. Number 2: Crasher will do something dangerous. Number 3: JLP will say something ridiculous. Apparently all three of these things happened yet again...more on this later. George decided to grab a rain cape on the way out, but then punctured and never caught up. In the mean time, the group shared the work out into the wind to arrive at the cafe in one piece and this is where Crasher managed to trap Smedley's arm with a chair (See Number 2 above) followed by JLP uttering the titular phrase and then discovering they were on his head all along (See Number 3 above). I don't know...I realise he was 30 the other week but it's a bit early for senior moments! Suitably refreshed, I'm told, they all hurtled back with Henry showing some good form. Reeves and Smedley no doubt delivered on the promise of riding too fast here (See Number 1 above) as apparently Crasher disappeared at this point. Sparrow and JLP were riding winter bikes today to prove to the others that they can keep up on alloy and protect those behind with mudguards whilst doing loads of work on the front. Well done chaps and chapess, and thanks to Sparrow for phoning in a report so as not to disappoint my avid readers. Should be back next week, although maybe I don't need to bother. I can just stay at home and write the usual rubbish as it's bound to be really close to what really happened anyway. This is the Captain signing off
16th June 2013 "I didn't press anything!" Fifteen riders today for a slightly unconventional route to Wymondham. Ready for action were: Me, Sparrow, Hamblin, Stu, Mark, Charlotte, Smedley, JLP, George, Henry, Dennis, Jim O, Crasher, Mikey and Reeves. Sparrow decided he didn't need his second jersey so he shot off early to drop it off at home and allow us to catch him up. I had intended to go down Mareham Lane anyway so a slight detour past Sparrow's gaff was no hardship but we did have to turn left after George's house. This clearly confused Hamblin. Anyway, me and Smedley put in the first turn and then referred to Sparrow's secret book of Club Run Etiquette and made sure we finished our turn just before we turned right into a headwind. Shame Sparrow wasn't riding second wheel so as to feel the benefit of this although it didn't go unnoticed by Reeves, who was. Further changing of the guard occurred at the front along the way to share the load and we made good progress despite the windy conditions. Shortly afterwards Crasher's bike started changing gear on it's own. I know the new Di-2 makes changing gear a breeze, but maybe this is a step too far. Crasher exasperatedly uttered the titular phrase and clunked his way towards Ingoldsby punctuating his usual riding style with regular puzzled looks downwards at his drivetrain. This seemed to settle down though and we eventually turned left in Ingoldsby much to the delight of Hamblin who had now worked out where he was. The rolling terrain is always a bit of a leg burner but we all made it to the windmill in one piece for tea and sustenance. Mark rolled up a little later having hung back just before Castle Bytham. After brunch, removal of arm warmers was the order of the day and we set off back with an agreeable tailwind and a bit of sunshine towards Hungerton. Mark did his own thing from here on in. As usual, it all kicked off with Smedley, Reeves and George picking up the pace. Subsequent re-groupings were temporary as clearly 30mph+ isn't fast enough for the young guns. Despite that and with a fair bit of hanging on for grim death we all reached the lights in Grantham together only to be split by the fickle finger of fate (a red light) at the wrong moment. We all got back together though at the Alma for the slog up Londonthorpe with good form shown all round. Mikey did his usual left turn just before. Dennis hung back at his own pace. A blast through Welby was all that remained to round off a job well done. 18.5 mph this week...pretty good considering the headwind on the way out. More accelerations uphill and unreasonable changes in pace designed to punish the over 40's next week... This is the Captain signing off.
9th June 2013 "Ne'er cast a winter bike until June be out!" Ten riders today for a slog out to Harby and back. Reporting for duty were: Me, Charlotte, Mark, Reeves, JLP, Mikey, Stu, Jason T, Gordon and Big Al. Dennis phoned in to say he would meet us out at Ropsley. Jason was astride his winter machine and following a number of queries, uttered the titular phrase. Fair enough considering the weather we have been having. Anyway, me and Stu took the group up to the Ropsley turn, with others taking over shortly afterwards. It was a bit cool to be honest, but we soon warmed up. Dennis appeared at Old Somerby, and we shot off down towards the Valley of the Gwanji in good spirits. We split up a bit up towards Gorse Lane but re-grouped in time for the Knipton climb. The young 'uns plus Stu pulled out in front here with me Mikey and Big Al hanging on for grim death. Further splits behind occurred but we got back together for the Stathern descent. JLP was testing out his freewheeling abilities here with his super fast wheels with me and Charlotte in hot pursuit. As we hit 40mph plus, I noticed Charlotte started slowing down...might have had something to do with the fact that a car had pulled out in front of us and then decided to stop! A bit of of a hairy moment. Almost finished up sat on his back seat via the back window. Thank God for Ultegra brakes! Fortunately, we both managed to avoid a collision and made it to a strangely quiet cafe in one piece. I did notice at this point that Gordon had disappeared? Suitably re-fuelled it was time for the return journey. About ten minutes into this, two chaps in yellow tried to overtake us. Damned cheek! I wasn't having that, so we sat on the faster of the two's back wheel as he put in an impressive turn for a few miles. Trouble was, he dropped his mate in the process. They turned off shortly afterwards and we cracked on towards Staunton. Unfortunately, at the top of the hill, Stu and Mikey had a bit of a coming together...Stu managed to land on the grass though and was none the worse for wear. We eventually reached Gelston and JLP secured the bragging rights for the climb although Reeves recalled a slightly different version of events. I managed to win the the "Old gits (not including Stu who is really good climbing) climbing prize". I have to motivate myself somehow. We all got back together at the Brownlow and minus Charlotte, Mark and Mikey eventually headed towards the Scroop. Oh dear...second incident of the day...Den tweaked his hamstring. Jason stayed with him..hope he got back to Billingborough OK. This left me, Stu, JLP and Big Al to roll back into Rauceby relatively unscathed. A bit slower this week, 17.8mph average by my reckoning. Given the terrain, not bad going. More jocularity next week. This is the Captain signing off P.S. No Sparrow this week. This will undoubtedly cause a rent in the space-time continuum and the world will probably end tomorrow.
2nd June 2013 "I knew I was in trouble when Dennis came past me going uphill!" A superb day today for messing about on bikes. Ready for action at the market place were Me, Sparrow, JLP, Stu, George, Mikey and Mark. Despite the nagging NW west we decided to do the standard Wymondham run and put JLP on the front on the way back (Ha!). Me and George lead the group up towards Ropsley at a brisk pace. Mark had decided to do his own thing a bit further down. Dennis had phoned in to say he would join us out towards the cafe and we managed to set a good pace with Sparrow and JLP putting in a speedy turn out towards Irnham. Along the way we managed to scoop up Neil Sentence resplendent in his new Pedal Pushers (best bike shop in the world) kit and riding a splendid new Merckx steed (available to buy at Pedal Pushers, Inner Street, Grantham Tel: 01476 569508).....Neil have I overdone it here? Anyway, he joined us for a blast out towards the Bythams where Dennis appeared right on cue. The rollers shortly afterwards split us a bit with Mikey uttering the titular phrase. We re-grouped, however, and made it to a very busy cafe for our usual re-fuel. Neil shot off home at this point. We had to sit upstairs in the attic though, Sparrow and JLP snaffled the comfy chairs and we took full advantage of hot and cold running waitresses to eventually get all our grub delivered. JLP remarked that one of the waitresses was very nice and then quickly added "George!" to the end of the sentence. He obviously realised that now he is 30, he can't make comments like that about younger females without appearing slightly dubious. He then decided to have a beak over the balcony and spotted Charlotte who had ridden over from Kegworth. She was probably disappointed to find us there already but joined us anyway. Suitably refreshed, we set off back with Charlotte peeling off soon afterwards despite JLP offering her a lift back later if she wanted to ride back all the way with us...funny that she swiftly declined the offer? We soon made it to Gorse Lane and eventually crawled up Londonthorpe for a roll back down into town. Another 19mph average ride this week despite the more hilly terrain...not bad for a bunch of old gits (JLP see above) and George. Tune in next week when someone will undoubtedly say something witty and I can immortalise it as a SWCC titular phrase. This is the Captain signing off.
26th May 2013 "I'll be back!" Ten riders assembled at the market place today for a whiz out to Farndon and back. Securing a tick on the register were: Me, Sparrow, Reeves, Charlotte, Stu, Hamblin, Crasher, Scotty and two new boys; Local boy James and Pete from Swindon (holidaying in Lincolnshire). Scotty seemed to be dressed for winter despite the rising temperature?After a brief discussion, however, we decided to go west so as to avoid the nagging NW wind and me and Hamblin took the group up through Culverthorpe heading for Londonthorpe, Belton and Marston with a few others sharing the work as required. Reeves and Stu did a big turn through to Long Bennington and we soon made it to the cafe heralded by the customary sprint. Crasher decided to call it a day here and made his own way home. After losing Scotty again...(funny he always disappears at this cafe?) we all managed to order despite a change issue at the till. Scotty eventually appeared, ordered, came to sit down, uttered the titular phrase and left again. In the words of Lewis Carroll, "Curiouser and Curiouser!". By the time he returned the waitress was puzzling over a plate of beans on brown but Scotty eventually owned up to having purchased them. A pot of Earl Grey had already arrived with his name on it. Once we had all studied Scotty's many layers of clothing, we got ready for the return journey and had time to puzzle over Charlotte's customary soft rear tyre. It's almost as if someone is following us around and partially deflating her rear tyre whilst no one is looking. Whilst she swapped the tube, I took the opportunity to have a go on Reeves' electronic marvel and probably flattened his battery by changing gear as many times as I could until the novelty wore off. Anyway, all sorted, we hurtled off back towards Hawton with Sparrow and Hamblin setting an impressive pace. Myself and new boy James did a turn back to Brandon and we tackled the Hough climb with gusto. Charlotte headed for home here. Re-grouping towards the Scroop, all that remained was a blast up the Sudbrook hump (Stu and Hamblin flew up here) and those two little hills on Waterwell Lane for a final dawdle back into Rauceby. Well done chaps and chapess, 19.3mph average albeit a shorter distance than last week. Hope to see the return of Smedley, Priestley et al next week. This the Captain signing off.
19th May 2013 "That's not like you to slow down going round corners!" Believe it or not, the sun was out this morning as fifteen riders assembled in the market place for a ride out to Horncastle and back. Reporting for duty were: Me, Sparrow, Hamblin, Horton, JLP, Jack, Crasher, Henry, Dennis, Scotty, Mikey, Matt D-T, Reeves, Stu and Buckle (Yes, Buckle!). Matt D-T earned the first telling off of the day but not from me. Apparently he had just ridden the wrong way down a one way street and a Sleaford resident followed him to the market place to wag her finger at him! I informed the concerned citizen that it would go in the report and with Matt duly chastised, she departed. Anyway, me and Matt took the group out to Leasingham, where Crasher and JLP who had gone over the roundabout instead, took to the front for a few miles. They peeled off in Ashby so me and Matt could carry on where we left off. We soon reached the Nocton turn in good time (Crasher headed for home here), ignored the road closure signs as usual but then came up against a metal fence across the road. Reeves blamed the captain at this point, and I retorted that I could make it a resignation issue if required. With a bit of a shove, though, we managed to get around the side. Further on, however, the second barrier was a bit more secure, but with a bit of civil engineering from Buckle we all made it through. Jack headed for home here. Sparrow and Stu took to the front and lifted the pace through Wasps Nest towards Bardney and eventually Sparrow duly demonstrated his usual cornering skills through a variety of S bends until we reached the cafe in Horncastle. A good cafe this one, and everyone wolfed down a variety of stuff...Hamblin gobbled up a turkey and cranberry baguette the size of Buckinghamshire and JLP went back for his usual second helping. Back up the hill out of Horncastle, with the group in chipper mood, Horton and Reeves took to the front for a blast back through Woodhall. Reeves and Hamblin raised the pace to 27mph+ down towards North Kyme with JLP joining in to make it even faster. Reeves sat behind JLP whistling at one point to show he wasn't impressed. JLP uttered the titular phrase a bit further on levelled at Sparrow who replied by saying he was knackered. Not sure I believe this....The group started to go their separate ways here...Mikey had turned off a while back heading back towards Navenby...so eventually the remaining few rolled back into town for a job well done. Fastest run of the season so far I reckon with an average of 19.2 mph for nearly 70 miles. Good work boys! This is the Captain signing off
12th May 2013 "Who's for a horse burger?" Nine riders today for the annual run to the Lincoln Grand Prix. Reporting for duty were: Me, Sparrow, Smedley, Sarah, Stu, Dennis, Rich Hamblin, George and JLP. We set off out towards Rauceby with everyone contributing to a good pace and we eventually swung north through Stragglethorpe, crossed the A17 and headed towards Harmston. The sun was trying to come out but not really succeeding. JLP enquired as to whether we were going up Harmston hill...although he didn't quite put it like that. I clearly disappointed him when I answered in the affirmative and Sarah enquired half way up as to whose idea it was to come this way! As usual the hill split the group a bit but we all met up again at the Waddington fork. Down Canwick hill next and the final grind up to the cathedral just in time to see a back marker completing a lap. JLP uttered the titular phrase and then proceeded to gorge himself on a variety of dead animals wedged between two slices of bread...ostrich, venison, aardvark, spiny anteater...you name it, he wolfed it down. For dessert, the three cookies for a pound was too much temptation although he did give one to Smedley. Meanwhile the race was in full flow with a variety of nonchalant looking pro cyclists whizzing past despite having just climbed Michaelgate. After a few laps we decided to head home so as to beat the imminent rain (except Sarah). Down the other side of the A15 for the return journey, we did seem to benefit from a bit of a tailwind in parts. We made good time and all arrived back in Sleaford in one piece. As I leaned by bike up against the shed on making it home, it just started to rain right on cue! Hope everybody made it home before the downpour. Tune in next week for more fun and frolics! This is the Captain signing off.
5th May 2013 "I think that riders should check the condition of their tyres before a club run" Bare legs aplenty at the market place this morning. You could almost start to believe that summer is on the way. Present and correct were: Me, Sparrow, Reeves, Jonny, George, Henry, Smedley, Stu, Dennis, Scotty, Big Al, Mikey, JLP and Rich Hamblin right on cue. Ignoring the sarcastic comments about circuitous routes to our ultimate destination (Shelton), myself and Sparrow took the group out towards Leasingham and we soon discovered that Sparrow seemed to be in a bit of a hurry. Nothing to do with the Moto GP being on the telly later? Anyway, we soon got a breather as Reeves had the first puncture of the day. Dennis then uttered the titular phrase or words to that effect. I'm sure there was no irony intended here! Puncture fixed without too many abusive comments, we all set off again towards Ashby. JLP took to the front on his new steed and battled into the wind for a while until we reached Navenby. I often joke that when we go this way, Mikey has the opportunity to call it a day and go home for a cuppa...except this time he did! Thirteen brave souls thrashed on until we emerged from Stapleford wood at the Coddington roundabout. I then got accused of being a "chopper" by Jonny as I managed to drop my chain Andy Schleck style and had to fiddle about for a bit to get going again. The team did wait for me though and we soldiered on to the cafe where we pushed Scotty to the front of the queue as usual. Suitably re-fuelled, we set off back with an agreeable tailwind and with a little reminder to the guys at the front not to drop Scotty just yet, we all made it Gelston in one piece. The mountain goats shot off with me Big Al and JLP hanging on...Dennis and Scotty a little further behind. We re-grouped at the Scroop for the final few miles. The Sudbrook hump separated us again but Rauceby soon appeared on the horizon. Well done chaps, a cracking whiz about in the sunshine...and Sparrow got back in time I reckon to cheer on "The Doctor". More fun and games next week. This is the Captain signing off.
28th April 2013 "Is that a cardigan?" A deceptively cold morning with a good turn out for the standard run to Wymondham. Ready for action were: Me, Sparrow, Jonny, George, Mikey, Reeves, Hamblin, Horton, Big Al, Stu, Crasher, Dennis and Jason T. Crasher was sporting a strange looking garment beneath his race jersey...so I uttered the titular phrase. He was also wearing his customary balaclava knee warmer with knee cap hole....must at least keep the back of your knee warm? Anyway we set off into the breeze with the group sharing the work until Sparrow and Jason Taylor did a monster turn out to Castle Bytham. Dennis and Jason turned off here and the rest of us slogged on to the cafe. Jonny and Reeves then got told off for raising the pace with a few off the back. We re-grouped, however, and arrived at the cafe just as the Witham Wheelers were finishing up. Most of us stayed inside glad of a bit of warmth and Crasher eventually ate his soup and pudding just in time for the return journey. Jonny and Reeves started to wind it up soon after we set off so we resolved to let them go. The rest of us weren't hanging about however, and by the time we reached Gorse Lane we were managing to maintain 28+mph down to the lights. A few got caught out here and also at the next set. Londonthorpe provided the usual challenge for tired legs but the remaining few stayed together until we parted company in Oasby. Splendid! This the Captain signing off. P.S. Not too much whining this week about the length of the route...all happy little bunnies. We aim to please of course!
21st April 2013 "Less yabber more effort!" Twelve riders today: Me, Sparrow, Jonny, Smedley, George, Henry, Rich Hamblin, Stu, Charlotte (very briefly?) Dennis, Dave and guest Steve. A new 70 miles plus route today (more on this later) over to Farndon. Me and Jonny took the group south down Mareham lane into a fairly stiff breeze with other riders taking to the front as we approached the Bourne Wheelers time trial course. Charlotte had left us by this time and a sprightly group were now making good progress towards Irnham. The hill up to Ingoldsby allowed the boys to stretch their legs a little which split the group somewhat. Shortly after in Ropsley, Dennis punctured by hitting an unseen pothole but the group was up at the A52 before we realised. Dave Reeves had headed for home earlier. A quick call to Dennis confirmed that we could carry on so we approached Welby from the south. I suggested that calling out the holes might have helped us stay together but the boys on the front said they did but nobody was listening...Jonny then uttered the titular phrase and then subsequently sarcastically pointed out a number of features loudly as we rode along such as "Grass!", "Tree!" etc. etc. Anyway, me and Smedley took to the front and led the group at a steady pace out to Long Bennington. At this point a few riders started to complain that it was too far to the cafe and they were hungry. I don't know, you can't win...the burdens of high office I suppose. Sparrow then went on the front and with the aroma of freshly cooked beans on toast in his nostrils, blasted us up to 27 mph for a few miles. We arrived just before 12 noon at Farndon and everybody refuelled. Jonny had burger and chips, chocolate cake, a can of coke and a bag of chocolate mice.....mmmm nice! Suitably refreshed, we set of back with the pace soon lifting significantly until we were knocking on the door of 27 mph by the time we got to Claypole. Guest Steve dropped off the back at this point (don't blame him!) and with Smedley blasting on the front we soon made it to the foot of the Hough climb. After briefly being spat out the back here, I managed to catch up towards the Scroop and then performed an illegal manoeuvre at the Sudbrook turn to give myself a breather...I did lose contact again though at the hump. The rest of the crew no doubt blasted back into Sleaford with a good time had by all. Same old nonsense next week....don't be late! This is the Captain signing off.
14th April 2013 "I don't intend to smash it on the way home" Fourteen riders ready for action today at the market place for a ride out to Harby. Present and correct were: Me, Sparrow, Jonny, Jack, Crasher, Big Al, Henry, Sally, Jason T, Rich Hamblin, Stu, Smedley, Matt D-T and Scotty. Jonny and Jack hurtled off towards Swarby and earned the first telling off of the day. We soon re-grouped, however and made our way towards Newton where we promptly managed to lose Scotty. A slightly unusual left turn didn't help and despite sending Jonny back for him, he was nowhere to be seen. I filed in behind Jonny and Jack second wheel to keep them in check for a tough ride into a serious wind. We all stayed together to the A1 bridge though and Sparrow earned the second telling off of the day for crossing the carriageway. The Velo 99 road race was just about to start on the Skillington course and some poor unfortunate soul latched on to the back of our group...must have assumed we were heading for the start. He soon realised the error of his ways. Knipton hill split the group as usual but we eventually made it to the cafe all in one piece. Our timing was perfect as we beat a couple of groups to the counter and re-fuelled. In conversation with Jason Taylor, Big Al delivered the titular phrase..more on this later. Miraculously Scotty appeared, downed his beans and joined us for the return ride. A nice tailwind prompted the group to speed up considerably and this resulted in another split (note: Big Al was blasting along nicely in the front group and disappeared up the road with the fast boys despite his earlier comment!) Crasher came hurtling past me in a bid to catch up and I waited for the tail gunners....(Scotty, Sally and Jason) and rolled back in with them. Sure you all had a good battle up front. See you all next week for more titular phrases, tellings off, amusing anecdotes and a bit of bike riding. This is the Captain signing off.
7th April 2013 "If you'd been there, you would have seen it for yourself" A splendid turn out today for the club run to Wymondham. Eighteen, yes eighteen riders reporting for duty: Me, Sparrow, Dave Reeves, Smedley, Jack, Sarah, Mikey, Jonny, Matt D-T, Big Al, Dennis, Crasher, Sally W, Priestley, George, Henry, Stu and Jason Taylor. Me and Jack took the group out towards Ropsley making good progress until George experienced the first puncture of the day. This was soon repaired, however, and we resumed in now almost spring like conditions. Dennis unfortunately experienced the second puncture of the day a bit further on. At this point, Jonny had a number of suggestions for the titular phrase, none of which are printable. Smedley suggested that dealing with Jonny as club captain must be a bit like what I do day in day out as a teacher. I had to agree as Jonny reminds me of a stroppy Year 12 on a good day. (To be fair, I didn't use this adjective but a more colourful one, again not printable here). Anyway puncture fixed, we zipped off towards the cafe. Mikey, headed for home soon after and Jonny suggested we split the group so the fast boys could have a bit of a blast. I agreed and the group split but not into two equal halves! Three groups formed with me, Big Al and Sally at the back and Sarah, Priestley and Henry caught in the middle. Dennis and Jason headed for home. Despite this we all arrived at a mysteriously quiet cafe in one piece albeit not at the same time. Sparrow said he had hung on until the cafe but Priestley was unconvinced. Sparrow retorted with the titular phrase. Touche mon ami! Suitably refreshed, we hurtled off back towards Gorse Lane minus Jack who had strangely disappeared? The group splintered at this point leaving me to wait for Sally who was nursing a nasty cold (I was knackered anyway). Don't know what happened up front, but I'm sure the crew all enjoyed themselves. Tune in next week for another attempt to ride bikes reasonably quickly for a few hours whilst Jonny babbles incoherently in a variety of silly voices.....one of which is probably his normal voice...who knows? This is the Captain signing off.
17th March 2013 "I'm 12 stone 7!" On the basis of a favourable weather forecast, 13 riders met at the market place this morning for a ride out to the Shelton Fishing Lakes. Reporting for duty were: Me, Sparrow, Jonny Noton (who hasn't ridden for over 7 months), Jack, Sarah, Smedley, Priestley, Stu, Mikey, Sally, Charlotte, Matt T and Craig T. We set off up through Rauceby and on towards Caythorpe Heath. Priestley was already in trouble for burning it up on the front for a few minutes and then trying to peel off. Smedley pointed out the error of his ways. After a strategic comfort break around Dry Doddington, we eventually whizzed through Long Bennington just as the rain started to fall. Craig T turned for home at this point (sensible man). The cafe was a welcome sight and we all tucked in to the usual haute cuisine. The view from the window was increasingly depressing as the rain was really coming down now. Anyway we set off back and then promptly took a wrong turn (my fault, sorry!) which added a few more miles towards Balderton. The group split into two here with me and Sally hanging on at the back. Don't know what happened up the road, as I wasn't able to keep up today. Me and Sally eventually caught up with Stu in Claypole and a very tired Jonny who told us to go on ahead. I eventually lost contact with Stu and Sally around Hough and close to tears (it was snowing by now) rolled into Rauceby on my own, very wet and with no feeling in either hand. I'm sure the rest of you suffered just as much. Not a good day to be riding bikes on the whole, here's to enjoying some spring weather soon. See you all next week weather permitting...check Facebook for updates. The Captain (with pneumonia).
24th February 2013 "If I'd known we were racing, I would have tried harder!" Nine riders met at the market place this morning for a cold ride out to Farndon and back; Me, Sparrow, Jack, Smedley, Priestley, Rich Hamblin, Mikey, Charlotte and Matt T. Me and Rich took the group out towards Leasingham into a stiff north-easterly breeze with every one else sharing the work thereafter. Just outside Navenby, Charlotte was the lucky winner of the prize for first puncture of the day. Myself and Rich assisted with Rich on pump duty. ' It's not as hard as yours!' he announced (make your own jokes up here) so pumped a bit more to achieve a suitable pressure. (Not too high I hasten to add, to theoretically slow Charlotte down a bit!). Anyway, we got going again with Priestley suitably chastised for lifting the pace (again) out towards Newark....we were averaging high 17 by now, a bit quick for the veterans in the group at this time of year...except Sparrow of course who compensates for his advancing years with a liberal dose of "The red mist of competitiveness". Despite this, after briefly confusing Priestley with a tour through Newark housing estates, we incredibly all arrived at the cafe in one piece. Jack decided to head for home at this point. Sparrow made sure he got his beans before Hamblin this week and Priestley announced an interest in specialist photography (don't ask!). Suitably refreshed, we prepared for the return journey, and I made up for the absence of Scotty this week by making them all wait outside in the cold while I used the facilities and inspected a rather impressive log burner in the farm shop. Priestley and Charlotte lifted the pace on the way back to Long Bennington, so I decided to go on the front and slow it down a bit. Hoisted by my own petard, I then proceeded to get dropped going up Gelston (as usual). Luckily for Mikey, he had already turned for home just before this. We all re-grouped in Hough, Priestley uttered the titular phrase and Charlotte headed for home. We then steeled ourselves for the Sudbrook hump. I found myself grovelling at the back here (not surprisingly) with Richard Hamblin (surprisingly). I did, however, discover the reason for his lack of pace on Waterwell Lane. Richard had half of Lincolnshire wedged in between his tyre and front mudguard! We cleaned this out and pootled back into Rauceby, the others had understandably gone on ahead so as not to freeze to death whilst waiting. Now, in theory there is no club run next week as it is the Early Hilly...but as far as I am aware the majority are not riding. I'm sure the rest of you will entertain yourself somehow if I ride and you don't. The Captain 17th February 2013 "I've ridden 40 miles on my own, I think I deserved it!" A cold but sunny day greeted a good turn out for the club run to Wymondham today. Present and correct were: Me, Sparrow, Priestley, Big Al, Dennis, Stu, Crasher, Mikey, Sally W and guests Adi Mack and Jason T. Richard Hamblin phoned in to say he had punctured and would meet us at the cafe. Myself and Sparrow took the group out towards Ropsley with others taking turns on the front as required, notably Stu and Priestley. We caught up with the novice ride which Chris Close had kindly taken out in advance just after the A52 crossing. On the basis of a lack of headwind, the group was making good progress by now, and we soon spied the windmill in the distance. A quick whiz up the final hill where Jason and Adi decided to carry on, and the rest of us parked our machines for a welcome break. Hamblin turned up just after we had sat down and took the first plate of beans on toast on offer. This didn't go unnoticed by Sparrow. Richard justified this theft with the titular phrase and proceeded to demolish the lot in record time. We eventually all got served, Hamblin was suitably chastised by the waitress for jumping the queue and we all got ready for the return journey except Crasher who was still wrestling with his pudding. He finished just in time and we set off back with an agreeable tailwind. The first 10 minutes are always tough after a sit down so I laid down the law about pace. Unfortunately, me and Big Al then proceeded to get told off by the group for pushing the pace towards Hungerton. To be fair though it was more of a guideline than a rule. The welcome descent of Gorse Lane soon appeared so we whizzed down into Grantham and psyched ourselves up for the Londonthorpe drag. Hamblin was first up with Stu close behind. We re-grouped at Welby for the roll back in. Rider of the day was undoubtedly Sally who hasn't been out for ages, did loads of work on the front all day and also gave me and Big Al a final kicking back up into Rauceby after we left the group in Oasby. See you all next week for more nonsense on two wheels. There may even be a re-appearance of the "Phantom Bean Stealer of Old London Town". The Captain
3rd Feb 2013 "I've done 1530 miles already this year!" Eight riders met at the market place today for a tough old ride out to the Portland Fishing Lakes taking in Newton, Ingoldsby, Hungerton, Belvoir and Redmile along the way. Reporting for duty were: Me, Jack (in his new kit), George, Crasher, Richard Horton, Mark, Smedley and Richard Hamblin. Myself and Jack took the group out towards Newton with Smedley taking over from me before the climb. The group was reasonably chipper although there were a few comments about the route being a bit of a stinker bearing in mind the gale force westerly wind impeding our progress. Never mind, it's all good winter training apparently! Anyway, we eventually made it to the A1 footbridge where George decided to call it a day...and then there were seven. At Gorse Lane, Mark decided to turn for home, so the rest of us crossed the 607 and soldiered on up towards Belvoir. This was undoubtedly the toughest bit so far but we eventually made it to Elton and arrived at the cafe just in time. Smedley commented that it was a shame Priestley wasn't out as he usually does loads of work on the front. I do, however, suspect that this statement was delivered with more than a hint of sarcasm. Priestley was, however, not there to defend himself as he is currently enjoying his fifth holiday in as many months, apparently. Crasher was pondering making sure he did 100 miles today and uttered the titular phrase. I don't know how he finds the time although he does own a pair of night vision goggles. Smedley pointed out that as I finish work at 3:30, I've got no excuse for not getting the miles in! Cheeky young shaver! Anyway, we set off back with Smedley and Jack setting a good pace with the much deserved tailwind. Gelston turned into the usual bun fight with Jack defying gravity as usual with Smedley hot on his heels. We eventually re-grouped and rolled back into Rauceby sore legs aplenty minus the two young 'uns who had shot off into the distance for one last two wheel tussle before close of play. It's the club dinner next week so we will do a shorter non-stop loop to allow those attending to get back in time. Until then, this is Apollo 13 signing off (remember not to stir the oxygen tanks!)....whoops sorry I must stop watching the movie channel whilst doing this.Check Facebook if weather looks shaky. The Captain
27th January 2013 "It'll be different when I've got a number on my back" After a miraculous thaw, a hint of spring greeted a smallish turnout for the club run to Farndon today. Present and correct were: Me (nursing a cold), Sparrow (nursing a different cold), Stu, Smedley, Priestley, Dave Reeves, Scotty and Rich Hamblin. Myself and Smedley took the group out into a stiff breeze towards Culverthorpe with a variety of volunteers sharing the work thereafter until the welcome descent down through Londonthorpe. Belton turned out to be partially underwater but Sparrow bravely rode through what amounted to a smallish duck pond, didn't drown and consequently proved it to be safe for the rest of us. We ploughed on towards Marston saluting our club sponsor on the Grantham Road along the way. The wind wasn't particularly helpful at this point but some shelter could be found if you stayed away from the front! Dry Doddington continues to exist in a strange parallel universe where the opposite is true; it was as wet and muddy as ever! This prompted Smedley to ponder the question as to what sort of person goes out in winter in a white cycling jacket. He didn't have to look too far with Priestley riding in front sporting his Assos windcheater. Question answered conclusively I think. We finally made it to the cafe at Farndon, which, despite numerous witty comments from the group about closed cafes etc., was open and newly refurbished. After briefly losing Scotty, we all re-fuelled and psyched ourselves up for the return journey. After me being half-wheeled by Smedley for a few miles, Priestley was shoved on to the front to replace me and uttered the titular phrase. To be honest, he was going well enough anyway and he and Smedley needed to be reined in a little to make sure we all stayed together. There was a bit of a kerfuffle at the Balderton turn involving Stu and Scotty but we eventually re-grouped and whizzed down through Claypole and Stubton jostling for position for the Hough on the Hill climb. Smedley was first up with Stu showing good form as usual when the road goes up. I was dangling off the back a bit by now but managed to claw my way back before the descent to The Scroop. Sparrow shot off for a lunch appointment and the remaining few rolled back into Rauceby having parted company with Dave and Scotty. A splendid day all round! Tune in next week for more sarcasm and bullying of a hilarious nature whilst riding bicycles...same time same place...go on, you know you want to! The Captain P.S. Scotty's latest training regime involves riding his turbo at 11:00 pm...Brailsford, take note. 13th January "I reckon the cafe was open right up until the point where it closed" By Jove it was a cold one today! Only seven brave souls reporting for duty at the market place: Me, Sparrow, Jack, Smedley, Priestley, Crasher and at 9:16 am, a sprinting Richard Hamblin. In this sort of weather, you can get your heart rate up just getting the right amount of gear on before you set off. Anyway, we headed off down Mareham Lane intending to eventually visit the garden centre at Greetham. The road conditions were OK here but as soon as we got on to the last bit of the Bourne Wheelers TT course it was white over with some potentially treacherous sections. On this basis we decided to send Crasher out in front, mainly because with his riding style, if he could stay upright then it was perfectly safe. It didn't get much better between the A15 and Irnham but after this the roads were fine. Jack was nursing the flu so he had peeled off for a shorter route home so the stalwart six pushed on to the cafe. Under the A1, the sun came out and we started to look forward to a well earned break. Disastrously, on arrival, we discovered that the Greetham garden centre had closed for good. Richard considered this for a moment and then delivered the immortal titular phrase. Wymondham seemed like a good contingency plan, so Sparrow consulted his GPS for a suitable route. Mental toughness was required here, having a cup of tea snatched from your grasp at the last moment! The alternative route turned out to be a pleasant alternative, however, and we eventually approached the windmill from the south. The cafe was, not surprisingly, quiet and we were soon munching on our preferred fuel. "Spotted Dick?" announced the waitress, "No, it's just the way I'm sat!" came the hilarious reply. An old one but a good one in the British comedy tradition. The pudding was Crasher's of course and he consumed this with his usual gusto. Priestley managed to secure the end slab of the chocolate cake, wolfed it down and we set off back into a cold North wind sharing the work as required until the welcome downhill of Gorse Lane where we managed to pick up the pace a little despite the fog. Down through Grantham for the customary leg-burner at Londonthorpe where me and Crasher dangled off the back a bit with Smedley taking the bragging rights. Despite this we re-grouped for the customary blast down through Welby and all made it home safely. Phew! See you next week for more hi-jinx on two wheels. Be there or be somewhere else. I might even take us to a cafe that is open as a special treat! Check Facebook if weather looks shaky. 6th January 2012 "Is that a snorkel?" Fifteen, yes fifteen riders out today for the club run to the Shelton fishing lakes! A deceptively cool morning greeted the usual gathering at the market place but reporting for duty were: Me, Sparrow, Stu, Priestley, Dave Smith, Dave Reeves, Richard Hamblin, Richard Horton, Jack, Dennis, Mikey, Crasher, Scotty, Big Al and Mark. Myself and Big Al took the group out through Rauceby with Sparrow and Priestley taking over up to Caythorpe until we were eventually halted by the first puncture of the day in Stubton provided by Mikey's front tyre. This fixed, we headed out into the mists of "not particularly" Dry Doddington with Sparrow and Priestley increasing the pace. A strange coming together on the A1 cycle path involving Horton and Colclough resulted in a damaged spoke but the damage was not critical to man or machine. Visibility seemed to be getting worse but you could always see Crasher with his new day-glo spinnaker billowing in the breeze. Coat or sail? The jury is still out. Round about this point, Reeves spotted a mysterious protuberance poking out of Scotty's rear pocket and uttered the titular phrase. (More on this later). We finally arrived at the cafe and made sure Scotty was at the front of the queue. Scotty then revealed the purpose of the mystery object in his back pocket. Apparently, it is a "PowerBreathe Lung Trainer" endorsed by British Cycling. Far be it from me to cast aspersions as to the work of Brailsford et al, but it definitely looks like a snorkel to me. Anyway, blowing on this didn't speed up Scotty's exit from the cafe, as we still had to wait for him to catch up after we set off back. Myself and Stu took to the front with a sprightly Dave Smith and Priestley taking over soon after. A few cries of "easy" could be heard from the back of the group and as we seemed to have lost Big Al at this point (strange, as he is hardly inconspicuous is he?), Scotty decided to take a comfort break. Suitably relieved, everyone jostled for position for the Gelston climb. Scotty utilised his tri-bars and made an early break but he was soon reeled in by Sparrow and Reeves. A second group including Priestley, Hamblin Stu and Dave Smith with me hanging on their coat tails gave chase. We all re-grouped at the Brownlow, Mikey and Mark left us in Hough and the remaining muddy few rolled back into town through Rauceby. Club run next week, same Bat time, same Bat channel. (Sorry must stop watching Batman whilst writing the report!).
30th December 2012 "I'll be back on my time trial bike in February" A much better turn out this week on a windy (but fine) day for the standard run to Wymondham and back. Reporting for duty this week were: Me, Sparrow, Stu, Smedley, guest Oliver, Scotty, Mark, Crasher, Dennis, Jack and fresh from their cyclocross success, George and Richard. Myself and Richard took the group out towards the A15, but we didn't get very far as Crasher experienced the first puncture of the day after about 5 minutes! This was soon fixed, however, and we continued up to the Ropsley turn sharing the work (mercifully). Dennis decided to make his own way to the cafe at this point and opted for a slightly shorter route. On and on into the wind we went, reining in the young 'uns where necessary to make sure we stayed together until the final hill up to the windmill. Smedley, Oliver and Jack carried on back to Sleaford here, no doubt at a more brisk pace. The cafe was virtually empty which made for relatively swift ordering. Crasher opted for the professional cyclist's standard training meal of ginger beer, soup and spotted dick and custard (yes really!) and then announced that he was nursing an "ice skating injury" (yes really! #2). I enquired as to the insurance implications associated with him and ice skating but he assured me that the rink was cleared in advance (All but his companion who also suffered a number of bizarre injuries that were nothing to do with him, apparently) (yes really! #3). Dennis materialised right on cue and we set off back with the well deserved tail wind. A scary turn of pace from Mark made sure we all warmed back up quickly but the second puncture of the day, this time for George, stopped us again. Whilst we were waiting, Scotty pulled some yoga moves and educated an unsuspecting passing cyclist as to the mysteries of time trialling. Mark and Dennis went on ahead. Puncture fixed, we hurtled back down Gorse Lane and through Grantham. Londonthorpe presented George and Richard with an opportunity to show their strength but we re-grouped at the top and pootled back down through Welby to complete the ride. Club run next Sunday weather permitting.
23rd December 2012 “A Tale of Two Cafés” Club Captain Rule 1: Check that the café is open before riding 40 miles into the wind to get there. Club Captain Rule 2: There is no Club Captain Rule 2. A rather disappointing turn out for this week’s club run with only me, Sparrow, Priestley, Charlotte, Sarah and Mikey reporting for duty. Following a ridiculously wet Saturday, Sunday proved to be bright, warmish if very windy day for a tough ride out to Dove Cottage at Harby. With only 6 riders, we had to share the work up to Old Somerby where Sarah decided to go her own way. Myself and Charlotte took the remaining group down through the Valley of the Gwanji with Sparrow and Priestley taking over again for the grind up to Gorse Lane. Through Croxton Kerrial and down into Knipton, the group was well and truly warmed up by now. An apparently hung-over Charlotte then took off like a scalded cat up Knipton hill leaving the rest of us in her wake. The group eventually re-formed at the top of Stathern hill and we headed down to the café which unfortunately turned out to be shut until after Christmas! We decided to use the standard contingency plan of Shelton so Sparrow phoned ahead to ask them to put the kettle on. We arrived in good time for a well earned break and sustenance. The return journey proved to be much more fun with a healthy tailwind and occasional sunshine. We had to stop in Hougham as Charlotte’s back tyre had gone soft. Sparrow suggested we let some air out of the front one as well as it didn’t seem to be slowing her down any! The combination of Gelston and tired legs never gets any easier, but we made it over the top and eventually parted company with Mikey and Charlotte in Hough on the Hill for a steady ride back through Sudbrook and Rauceby. Hope to see a few more out next Sunday 30th. 68.3 miles, Average 16 mph. |
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